Specific Instructions for Mother’s Day

I will tell you what moms want for Mother’s Day. I don’t want a spa treatment; I will do that on my own when I need it. Don’t try to buy me an expensive bag. Again, I can manage that myself and get the bag I actually want without pretending to like the one you got me and now can’t return and am stuck with the wrong color that I’ll never wear. Not to sound ungrateful or anything. This is truth-telling time.

I want a day to be left alone to catch up on my shows (Outlander, OMG!) and finish the books that I got at the library a month ago. I don’t want to be left alone on actual Mother’s Day, though. On actual Mother’s Day, I expect my favorite meal served at my favorite restaurant; none of that three-ring circus buffet that happens in a hotel. Rich, if you haven’t made a reservation for Son of a Gun by now, you are so screwed. Their burrata with uni and slivers of mushroom, if only you can bring that to me in bed!!! While I’m watching Outlander.

Here are clear and specific instructions on how my special day off will go. Breakfast in bed (see above). Then everyone, including the dog, must leave the house. Make sure my iPad is fully charged so I can shop, and if you MUST get me a gift, make sure it’s a hefty NET-A-PORTER gift card so I can look less like a mom on more days of the week. At the appropriate time, you will order from Door Dash to deliver a sushi lunch that will arrive at the exact time I am hungry. Don’t keep calling to ask questions like, “Where was that one place you took me to get the thing I like?” But you should call at least once to check up on me so I don’t feel like you are having too much fun running errands. You didn’t think you were off to the movies, did you?

While you are away, you will get my dry cleaning, get that broken screen fixed, go to Costco and replenish cleaning supplies only (you can only get sidetracked if they have my favorite wines and DO NOT buy anything stupid like an inflatable stand-up paddleboard that you will NEVER use), pick up the Tupperware I left at Auntie Jen’s house, and take my car so you can fill it up and get it detailed. I do not want to find a single crumb or wadded gum wrapper anywhere. Cup holders must be sanitized to remove all the latte that I spilled while driving under the influence of slumber, all hair ties should be returned to my bathroom, replace the wiper blades, and get the dog groomed since she’s with you.

Upon your return with lavish floral arrangement in hand, while I am taking a bath, you will reorganize the shelves in the garage back to the way they were when I organized them. When you are done, you will make a healthy dinner using all fresh ingredients from the farmers market. Tequila-lime grilled chicken with a quinoa, cucumber, tomato, and corn salad sounds yummy. You should know how to make all this because I made this meal last week. The kitchen shall be retuned to its original condition. Before dinner is served, everyone must come and give me great big hugs because I will be missing all your craziness by now. The day will end with everyone cuddled up watching Princess Mononoke. Perfection completed!

Happy Mother’s Day!!