Below is Carolyn Hax’s syndicated column Tell me About It that ran Wednesday, May 23, 2007 in The Washington Post. It is a short read about Stay At Home Moms (SAHM). As a mother of three and established writer, Mrs. Hax provides an honest response. I have added my own thoughts below. We would love to know what you Snobby Mommas think. Just leave your thoughts in the comments section.
Carolyn:
Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What’d you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .
Okay. I’ve done Internet searches, I’ve talked to parents. I don’t get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don’t do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I’m asking is: What is a typical day and why don’t moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I’m feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy — not a bad thing at all — but if so, why won’t my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest (“My life is so much harder than yours”)? What’s the deal? I’ve got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.
Tacoma, Wash.
Mrs. Hax’s response:
Relax and enjoy. You’re funny.
Or you’re lying about having friends with kids.
Or you’re taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven’t personally been in the same room with them.
Internet searches?
I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.
So, since it’s validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm’s way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.
It’s needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.
It’s constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.
It’s constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It’s resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone’s long-term expense.
It’s doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything — language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.
It’s also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn’t judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.
Tot Snob response:
Where to begin? First of all, bravo to Mrs. Hax for providing great insight as to what SAHM do each day. Tacoma is so clueless about life with a child that I don’t even know if she (assumption here) would fully comprehend a response. Obviously, she has not spent much time with her friends with kids otherwise she would better understand why SAHM are so busy and exhausted. Secondly, she is so insecure about where her friendships stand that I suggest she remain friends with childless people who have time to give her the constant reassurance and attention she needs. As a SAHM, I don’t have time to have friendships that need to be coddled. I have kids that I care much more about coddling. Someday, I only hope Tacoma can appreciate and understand the level of selflessness it takes to be mom.
I am a work outside the home mom (WOHM).
I think people without children don’t understand how much time and energy one has to dedicate to raising a child. Particularly if that child is between the ages of 0 and 5. I think there is also a tendency to look down on SAHMs. Which is unfair because many SAHMs are bright intelligent women.
That being said, some, not all, SAHMs do have a chip on their shoulder about the choice they made. Their personalities are replaced by their children’s. Their easy to spot, they sign their emails “Mommy to Philip and Andrew”. And they do get into peeing contests over who had the harder day.
In the end, I think women should be more supportive and understanding of each other whether one has decided to be either a SAHM or WOHM or chooses to not have children.
I’m single with no kids and I know that the hardest job on the planet is being a mom. I truly respect my friends with kids and don’t expect them to have any time for me. That’s what friends do. We know you care about us, but we also know there are more important things that you must attend to – your children. The response of Caroline and Tot Snob was perfect. Bravo to all the moms. You deserve it.
My fiance and I have no children but we are friends with many people who do have children and I cannot even comprehend how Tacoma could say those things and then call herself a friend to those people.
Sure, it does take a while to get into the swing of things when your close group of friends start having babies and you are the only one (by choice in my case) who is still living a childless life. I admit, at first I was a tiny bit upset that I never got to see my friends, but once I saw them with their children that all went away. Watching my friends nurture their children is wonderful, it gives us a whole new experience as friends and really takes our friendship to the next level. So what if we all don’t hang out like we used to, but hanging out with friends and their children is a wonderful experience. Just watching a little one experience life in front of your eyes is amazing. And I thank my friends all the time for allowing me to take part in their children’s lives. It really proves to me how close our friendship is. I realize that my decision not to have children is just that MY decision, and everyone has a right to choose that for themselves. So to Tacoma who must never have actually spent time with a friend and their child she just needs to get over herself. Being a SAHM, to me, is the hardest job in the whole world and for those who choose to do it, good on ya! You should be applauded.
SAHM is eat, drink, sleep…. family!!! There’s only one world.
It’s a 24-7 job. No holiday whatsoever…
If I ever get a 15 mins break… I’ll just make myself one hot choc…. close my eyes and relax….until the little one screams again…