I really didn’t understand the awards that were given out. I’ve never even heard of most of the shows and none of the shows I watch won! And Charlie Sheen was nominated??? For what, the biggest loser of the year? And Amazing Race beat out Project Runway? Amazing Race is the dumbest show, I don’t know why people bother watching it. At least The Daily Show won so someone was paying attention. Whatever, we only watch awards shows for the fashion anyways so let’s move on to that. We have decided to give away our own awards to make up for the equally random awards that were given out at the Emmys.
The I’m Fighting With My Hair Dresser Award
Uh… was there a hair stylist strike I didn’t know about? Allison Janney usually looks incredible but this hair of hers was god awful. If anyone needs volume it would be Ellen Pompeo. Did she get a perm, realized fuzzy was bad so at the last minute decided to slick it back as a salvaging measure? Both Eva Longoria and Calista Flockhart did the totally 80’s half Farrah Fawcett tie back, which was just as unsavory back then. And speaking of Farrah Fawcett, someone should have been monitoring her drinking (among other things) in the green room.
The Weirdest Embellishment On A Dress Award
Cheryl Hines wore this totally creeped out happy face on her back. You see it now that I mentioned it, right? You have to be careful with these things, it gets tricky when there is too much going on.
The Too Much Accessories Award
If you are wearing a frilly dress that is frilly all around the neck, chest and shoulders, don’t go and put on 200 pounds of necklaces. Especially if you are only 92 pounds and the whole thing looks like it’s going to topple you over.
The Most Makeup Worn On A Single Face Award
WOOOAAHHH!!!! How in the world do you put on THAT much makeup? And it’s a shame because she is so incredibly beautiful and has the face we all wish we had, the kind that looks great with a hint of shadow, mascara and lip gloss. That’s it. Simple. It’s the reason people want to be beautiful – so that you don’t have to paint your face like Tammy Faye Baker to be seen.
The Worse Cut Dress With Cheap Bedazzling Award
There is nothing worse than deciding to wear a dress to be safe and ending up on someones shit list. We apologize Ellen (we love Ellen) for ragging on your beautiful girlfriend but this dress really sucks. As mentioned by the title of this award, the cut of this dress is unappealing and it is not totally unflattering on Portia only because she has a great body but still what about the flap under the breasts that gives the illusion of sagging even though she isn’t. I’m just saying, she is really pushing the limits of what her body can do for her with a dress that is trying its hardest to make her look fat and saggy.
The My Dress Is Taking Over My Body Award
This is just too much dress for Kyra Sedgwick. But if she is trying to distract us from her face, it’s working and we thank you.
The Hottest Bod In the Most Hideous Dress Award
Mariska Hargitay has the good fortune of inheriting her parent’s (Jayne Mansfield and Mickey Hargitay) bodies and she should be proud of her curves instead of hiding behind a dress covered with weird ugly bumpy bunchy flowers. Perhaps the downside of having an enviable voluptuous body is that after you have a baby you can’t look like Kelly Rippa the next day (and why would you want to?) but honor your mother and be proud of any extra curves you are lucky enough to have in all the right places.
The Hottest Pregnant Mama Award
Heidi Klum is pregnant for the third time and her body is made of steel. Some people are blessed with a body that can take any amount of torture, stretching and expanding but this is beyond human. She is a goddess!
The Best Dress To Show Off Your Assets Award
Katherine Heigl has one of the best bodies in Hollywood. Everyone knows this except sad sad Nicole Richie who thinks the more bones you show the better. Katherine’s stylist gets top honors for showing off everything that is beautiful about her.
The Most Laugh Out Loud Ridiculous Dress Award
Candice Bergen is a classy lady and that’s why it is so shocking to see her in this getup. She looks like a barrel with that 2 foot wide medallion cowboy belt accentuating her no longer so ladylike mid section. I had to pause the Tivo to finish laughing. It’s so disrespectful I know, but I really couldn’t believe my eyes.