I am pissed that my monthly ritual of indulging in fashion magazines is being ruined. Why is Lindsay Hohan, errr, Lohan, on every freaking cover? I want to rip off her face so that I can actually enjoy my moment of zen and oneness with fashion and print. So to save my inner sanctum and sanity, it gives me great satisfaction to coin the term “The Slut Pack” for 4 ladies of the weak inner thigh muscles. I’m sure no one needs any clarification as to why they are members of the Slut Pack but let us indulge.
Oh, and by the way, we expect to be credited everytime that term is used! So, Tyler Durden, I’m sure I’ll be hearing from you.
The Leader of the Pack
Major ho-bag, no further elaborations needed. We decided to keep her off the Shit List because she does have good bags, but now our last vestige of charity and kindness is gone. And besides, we are questioning her choice of personal hygiene here, not choice of bags, so she’s on the top of this list.
Lindsay Hohan
She should be so lucky as to lose her virginity to Wilmer Valderrama. She will never have it so good again. She dated Stavros Niarchos, Paris’ ex. Having sex with any of Paris’ ex is like eating sushi out of a toilet. And after being called a firecrotch, which I didn’t think was an insult but whatever, she is now dating Brandon Davis, who is a pig. She will sleep with anyone who talks to her or about her, even if it’s to insult her.
Nicole Bitchie
She wanted so badly to be the popular slut instead of the popular slut’s best friend that she got her stomach stapled. Yes, this is true, you heard it here (we have a reliable source). How do you think a lifelong chubby chick becomes emaciated so quickly?
Jessica Dumbass Simpson
I know everyone thinks she’s all innocent and pure but don’t let her stupidity lead you astray. She is slutty, and not just in a country milk maid kind of way. She was cheating on Nick with the gross man-whore Adam Levine and thought she was in love with him. She decides to divorce Nick for him but when Adam finds out she’s gone Fatal Attraction on him, he dumps her, telling her, “I only wanted to f#@* you”. Another true story. Poor girl, you can’t blame her for her naivete, but slutty is still slutty even if you don’t know that you’re slutty. And now, the virgin bride choir singer is on the cover of Maxim.